Not So Sure Yet

So, I just got home from gym maybe 30 minutes ago. The first thing I did was sit down at my computer, check my messages, the usual.

Then I opened word and typed an entire email out to my ex. It was something along the lines of “I’m so hurt, blah blah blah, I wish we could be friends but I’m not strong enough”. It was everything I would have said to him the day after we broke up. I wrote a line about him trying to reconcile with me and work hard to regain my trust. It was a really good email and sort of helped me sort out my thoughts. I thought seriously about sending it, I even opened my email account. But, I know it’s just not right. I shouldn’t have to reach out to him. I shouldn’t go to him. So I deleted the entire thing, and exited out of word. That took so much will power to close out of it. I’m at this weird phase where I want to practically reach out to him. It’s like I’m eager to send him some kind of message, but I keep telling myself no. So…progress? Haha. Not so sure yet.

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Sulking…

I just read a quote on twitter that read “When you forgive someone who has hurt you, you take away their power.” Now you already know how I feel about lyrics and quotes that have some symbolic meaning to me, they should have meaning to everyone else. But this one really hits me hard because of how my weekend went. I’m not sure what went wrong. I’m having anxiety about going to my cousin’s wedding in Louisiana next weekend, but I don’t think that’s why I’ve been sulking. I cried yesterday for what seemed to me as no apparent reason. I think my ex still has so much power over me. And I want him to lose that power. I want to let go but I just can’t seem to do it. I think that if I let go of him, then I’ll truly be completely and utterly alone. I know it sounds pathetic, because it is, but he’s really the only person I’ve known completely and I don’t have that anymore. I’m afraid of being alone, and being lonely. So I cried.

I want to forgive him. I thought I already had, but if I had then I guess I wouldn’t still let him have such a control on me. Maybe it’s because he was my first love. Maybe it’s because I’m still waiting for something from him, some sign of his regret and remorse, to help me move on. I read an article today about forgiveness and it said that the action of what he did will be in your life forever, but how you respond to it is what helps you heal and move on and find better things. I guess I thought that the more I dwelled on the action, then maybe it would just go away altogether? Like things would just go back to normal one day and everything would be perfect. But I don’t even know what normal is.

What’s worse is that I’ve realized that I don’t feel like I can ever fully trust anyone, which is a really miserable way to live. I want to do things completely on my own. I don’t trust people with my problems because word travels fast. I don’t want to talk about my ex with my closest friends with fear that they’ll tell his friends and he’ll find out and then have some ego boost that he’s doing so much better than me. But he’s got to already know that by now. I sulk too much. I just want to let go, move on, and find happiness again.

On another side note, I talked to my brother yesterday about how I’m struggling with my faith and belief in prayer. I feel like I pray for one thing that I need and God puts something even more difficult in front of me to face. For example, I pray for strength, and most days that I do, I see my ex. I pray for courage, and I’ll see his girlfriend and get shaky all over. I pray for righteousness, then I feel like God or someone somehow will make me feel lower than dirt and not worth time or attention. After discussing it with my brother, he said to just stay strong, keep praying. Maybe God’s trying to teach me something by putting those obstacles in your way. That maybe I’ll draw strength by learning to deal with seeing him everywhere. (He even made a joke that that’s why he’ll never pray for patience.. haha).

So, after a weekend of sulking and crying (and maybe a little sympathy shopping), I decided to be a little proactive. So, I deactivated my facebook account for a few days, just to get my mind of the ability to see him and her at the click of a button. Social networking makes it just a little too easy to keep those things around. So, I just deactivated it to help clear my mind (and hopefully start getting my homework done a little more efficiently). I’m going to continue to pray for those same 4 things, and however hard it is, I’m going to have faith that God hears me and is helping me and that ultimately He knows what’s going on and what’s best for me. I think I half expected to pray and God would just deliver, but now I’m thinking it’s more of a two-way street.

Finally, please say a prayer for me this week. It’s going to be a long week and I’m already have some worries about seeing some of the people that are going to be at my cousin’s wedding. It’s a complicated situation but I just need prayer for that and for anxiety. I have a lot of school work to catch up as well and a lot of other things going on. My mind is constantly flooded. Please pray for some kind of relief. And that I learn to forgive, and take away his power.

Strength?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. As see you see from the post about two weeks ago, I saw my ex A LOT that day. And until yesterday, I hadn’t seen him at all. It was going on about two weeks without seeing him and theoretically I was doing really well. I had prayed  a lot that God could take that off my mind and that I would be able to do other things and think about other things without him controlling and consuming my every thought. I had even gotten to the point on Sunday where I was sitting in church listening to the sermon, and suddenly thought “You know? Everything is going to be alright.” It was a great feeling and one that I haven’t really experienced often.

So anyway, yesterday I saw him again, for the first time in almost two weeks. I didn’t realize it at first when I walked right in front of him and then he followed behind me for almost 40 feet or so, as we were both on our way to classes in a similar direction. When I looked up and saw that it was him, the shakes set in. My heart started pounding, my hands were sweaty, the whole deal. It was pretty unbearable. Even when I finally got to class a few minutes later and sat down and got all settled, I was shaking so badly that I could barely even hold my pen. It’s quite possibly one of the worst feelings. It’s just an uncontrollable physiological response that I have that I can’t seem to shake (pun intended). After class (which is when I usually do see him, if at all) I ran into a really good friend of mine and we started talking outside the building of where my next class was. I told her all about how I had seen him, about an hour before, and how I couldn’t stop shaking. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t upset. Maybe there was still a tinge of heartbreak, but even that feeling is waning. Then guess what happens. In the middle of our conversation, he walked by again. And I started shaking and losing it all over again.

I revealed how I’ve been starting to lose faith in prayer since this has started happening. I told her all about how I pray for strength, guidance, courage, and righteousness every day. And as often as I pray, I try to live those things out. It’s almost like I’m two completely different people. After not seeing him for almost two weeks, I felt confident in myself (and my ability to move on) and really truly felt like everything was going to be okay. Then, he walks by me for a split second and I fall apart and lose it and feel like I’m back down to square one. (Don’t worry, I didn’t let him know I was falling apart on the inside. I maintained my composure and acted as if everything was just great and that I’m very happy without him – which I am. I didn’t let him see me all shaky and jittery).

Well, she said something that caught me off guard that I hadn’t really thought about and it’s been weighing on my mind.   I asked her why she thinks that God would continually place my ex in my life, whether it be just by walking by for a few minutes every day, when He sees how well I do when I don’t see him at all. She said that maybe by praying for strength, that’s exactly how God is teaching me to be strong.  Sure, it would be a lot easier for me to move on and be happy if I never ever had to see him (like over the summer). But eventually to really be strong, I have to be able to see him and maintain my sense of self. By God providing a way for my ex to see me and for me to see him, it’s like He’s testing my strength…which I obviously am not a huge fan of. I joked and said that maybe I should quit praying for strength, and just ask to be weak instead, then maybe God wouldn’t keep him around me anymore. Wishful thinking? haha.

So i guess maybe that’s what it’s all about. God teaching me, yet another, lesson. I hope that through all of this I’ll get stronger (for real) and that some day I’ll be able to look back on all of this nonsense and realize how much time I wasted even thinking about him. But to tell the truth, the thoughts are becoming less frequent, the hypothetical conversations are being stopped in their tracks, and wishful thinking of my past is starting to wane. It really just takes time, which is what everyone has been telling me this whole time anyways.

I read a note on one of the legal assistant’s desk yesterday that read “Forgiving is letting go of the hope of a better past”. The past happened and it’s gone. There is no hope of making it better than it is. There were good times, there were bad times. But in the end, it’s the past and it’s over and eventually I’ve got to start looking to the future, and to more bright and beautiful things ahead. I forgive him. I forgive her. And slowly, I’m forgiving myself.

Long Week

I know I haven’t written in a while. Life has been so crazy busy and I’ve been so stressed out lately. I’ve been getting in a good swing at work until Thursday, when my boss took me into the  conference room with a large stack of my work and a long list of things I’ve apparently been doing wrong for a while. All the while, I had no clue I was doing anything wrong that whole time. She pretty much yelled at me for 45 minutes and then told me that I can’t just “assume” I know what I’m doing and that if something isn’t precisely clear enough for me, then I have to ask the assistant or attorney how to do it right. And I’m talking about the most basic stuff. It’s so frustrating and I feel like I’m right back in the first week that I started working there. So, yesterday I had to go into work for six hours…on a Saturday. It’s just been a really long week and I’ve been in such a terrible room. I even told my friends that I didn’t want to be around people and that all I wanted to do was be on my couch and alone. Haha, pathetic much?

Anyways, I got home from work/the gym around 745 on Friday night, I made dinner, and then watched TV and fell asleep at 930, on a Friday night. It was probably the greatest night of my life. But I had to get up at 730 to go to work. I was basically just sulking the whole time, which is weird for me because I always try to stay in a generally good mood. I got home from work around three yesterday, went to the gym, and then me and some friends went to the Omaha Community Playhouse and saw Chicago. It was actually really enjoyable and fun. I think I probably enjoyed it more than everyone because I was technically hanging out with my friends but I didn’t have to talk to them. Haha. That sounds terrible. I don’t know why, but I’m just in a weird mood these days. I think it’s just stress, but I always feel this constant pressure to be with people and that I need to hang out with people all the time. And whenever I just want to be alone for a little bit and not be surrounded by people, everyone attacks me. Even last night, I was at my best friends’ apartment and I said something and they jumped down my throat. So when I decided to just not say anything and stand there, they were all like “oh now you’re just sulking. you’re just looking for sympathy”. No, I just want to be alone. But I can’t even have that. Sorry this is kind of turning into a rant, it’s just been a very long week. I feel like wanting to be alone sometimes is healthy though.

On a bright note, things between me and my roommate are getting to be a lot better. We get along much better now than during the summer. Partly because we both have such busy schedules that we barely see each other, so when we do, it’s pretty fun. We go to the student center almost every night together to do homework (even though she NEVER has any). So that’s an answer to prayers. I feel like I’m starting to get my best friend back. I know she’s still been struggling from her breakup and I completely understand where her emotions and feelings were. But, things are starting to get back on the right track again.

School is ridiculous this year. It’s already been one of the hardest semesters of my life, but oddly enough, it’s definitely been the most enjoyable. Although all my classes are hard, the material is so interesting to me. I’m taking Psychology and the Law and that is by far my favorite class. I’m taking a few other law classes to kind of get a gist for it, and I’m finding that I’m really enjoying it and maybe that’s a good sign that I will go to law school and enjoy that line of work, but who knows. It’s all in God’s hands and I’m done trying to figure it out. Whatever happens happens.

I think that’s just about all for now. Besides all the stress, things are going well. I just pray this week is better than last and that I can handle all that’s being thrown at me.

Every Day

Well, today was like a slap in the face. I honestly apologize for talking about my ex so much on this page (yet again I guess I’m not forcing you to read it), but I seriously saw him EVERYWHERE today. Is it that hard to just go a different way if you know you’re gonna see me? No. I think that things would be SO much easier if I could just get him to go away…forever. It’s just so hard.

I also think that since I found out about him  still having feelings for me, or whatever that was, that he was in some way going to reach out to me and try to figure things out, or break up with her, or something. I’m not really sure what I was thinking, but it wasn’t healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want him back or really have any feelings for him, I just don’t think he should be dragging some other girl around that’s only going to get hurt too. Maybe that’s just the way I see it. I’m still way too invested in him and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to get “uninvested”. It seems to be so easy for him to move on and yet I feel like I’m stuck in the trenches.

I know I repeatedly talk about how I don’t want to date for a while and how I think boys are stupid, but honestly, I think if I had someone to replace the loneliness in my heart, it would help tremendously. I have all these “imaginary” conversations with him which are never going to come to be, yet I can’t seem to get those conversations to go away. It’s almost like it’s my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, and it’s driving me CRAZY. (re-reading this, I must sound like a real loon).

I pray everyday for guidance, strength, courage, and righteousness. Whenever I find myself having a “weak moment”, I try my best to remember to pray. Yes, he looks terrible. No, I’m not attracted to him. No, I don’t want him back. No, I don’t have feelings for him. Then, why can’t I seem to get him out of my head? Is it really that hard to just think about something else? I feel like the more I pray, and the more I try to depend on God, the less that it actually helps. I hope that doesn’t sound completely terrible and sacrilegious but it’s like it’s going through all of this is taking away from my faith somehow.

I guess I pray expecting results. Is that wrong? I thought I was taught to pray and know that God hears me. It’s not like I’m not used to God saying “no” to me when ask for a good grade on a test that I didn’t study for, or to find an extra $50 somewhere when I know I’m going to be short on rent. Would God really turn down someone who is asking for strength and guidance… and RIGHTEOUSNESS? I just don’t get why this hasn’t gone away yet. It’s now been almost 8 months. I pray every day. every day. every day. every day.

The thing is, I know that I’m happier now. I know that I’m doing better for myself. I know I made the right decision eight months ago. Sure, my heart is still broken, and I think that will go away with more time. Yes I still hurt. But shouldn’t all these thoughts have dissipated by now? Literally, I’ll be in the shower talking to myself saying “you know you hurt me. I wish you would have apologized to me months ago. I wish you could understand what you’re doing is wrong. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re a good person. If you still have feelings for me, then you need to start doing what is right, and break up with her.” It’s like my brain thinks that he’s standing right there talking to me. Except I do this every day. Every day there is a new conversation: “do you even know where the gym is? Have you gotten a haircut recently? Really, you’ve let yourself go.” But the thing is, he’s not right there. I’m not talking to him, and I don’t think I ever will be again.

I thought the most powerful and effective thing I could do is pray, but is that really enough?

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Did you ever see that movie “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?” Not really sure why I’m bringing it up now other than I think it’s a funny movie. I think basic synopsis is this guy that is a serial dater and he goes back through the more prominent women in his life that he has dated. Eventually he finds out that the girl of his dreams has been waiting for him all his life and he just never noticed her in that light.. or something to that effect. Eh, I don’t know but part of me wishes I had some sappy movie-like love story. But, at the same time, I hate love stories. When I see happy couples holding hands walking down the mall at school, I just want to vomit. Maybe I’m just bitter? Haha, sounds like me.

Anywho, this whole “moving on” thing was a lot easier over the summer. By that I mean that I didn’t see him anywhere, he wasn’t in my newsfeed on facebook (because he was blocked), and I never felt the urge to talk to him. BUT now facebook is doing this fun new thing where it posts “This Day in 2010” and “This Day in 2009” that are basically just old statuses that serve as just great reminders of your past experiences. So every few days a “This Day in 2010” status will pop that says something to the effect of “I’m the happiest girl in the world” or “…has a hot date with (insert ex-boyfriend’s name here)”. They pop up without me asking for them, and even though I’m not friends with him on fb anymore, they don’t get blocked out off my page.

Also, it’s come to a point where I see him almost every day and her every few days. I guess I had this image in my head that if I got myself to a good point of “moving on” that it would just so happen that he wouldn’t be there. It’s just a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and I really wish that I didn’t have to see them, or if in some way that I could get them leave Creighton or something… haha. Wishful thinking I reckon.

He’s just everywhere. And the hard part about it all is that we started dating pretty much right when we got to college and there are SO many reminders of him all over campus. I walk past where we had our first kiss almost every day. Sometimes I sit in the spot where we used go in the middle of the night to talk for hours. The campus is small and there are memories everywhere. Sometimes, I wish I would have transferred somewhere else. But, I love all of my friends here, I love my job, I love my life. I just don’t love him. And I don’t love having him in my life anymore. I want him out of my head. I want out. I just wish I wouldn’t have let it get to this point. I wish I didn’t regret it, but I do. It seems like it’s all I do.

Why is it so hard to just entirely let go?

Comfort Zone

So, this weekend I decided to start trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. After the first few days of class, I think that teachers sort of expect you to know what you want to do by now. Of course, I have a few ideas. I’m pretty certain that I want to go to law school and move somewhere very “city-like”, like Denver or Chicago or maybe even New York. I think the last few months (and maybe years) I’ve been so focused on “getting over my ex” or “taking care of my friends” that I haven’t really taken any time to focus on what I want. My college career is already halfway over, which scares the bejeezus out of me. So, I was talking to a friend of mine today about my life and what I want to do. She recently got back from a missions trip to Ethiopia (here’s your shout out) and we were discussing the culture shock and readjustment to everything.

It got me to thinking about the missions trip I made to Costa Rica in 2004 when I was entering my freshman year of high school. It was a life altering, faith renovating trip that I can’t even begin to explain. Every since I got back from the trip, I’ve gotten sucked into the worldly culture. Obviously, I made my priorities the wrong ones – boyfriend, alcohol, school, etc. At one point, I don’t think I would have even thought that God could love me anymore or remember me. That’s how far away I got. So, since my discussion with my friend, I’ve decided to start figuring out really what it is that I want to do. Obviously, I know that I can’t do anything on my own, everything takes dedication, spirit, and most importantly – faith.

So today, I e-mailed the contact from that project in Costa Rica about serving as a long-term missionary intern for next summer from May to August. I was freaking out as I sent it because I know that currently, my heart is nowhere near the right place it should be in order to work for that long in that setting. But like this blog, maybe it will keep me accountable to my new resolves as a redeemed believer. I still haven’t received word back about the opportunity, if there even is one. But I figure it is worth a shot. I think that I can really do some awesome ministry down in Costa Rica. I know that I left part of my heart there six years ago, and I think that maybe going back down again will help me figure out if I would be interested in doing missionary work when I graduate, maybe even using a law degree to help the abandoned children to get adopted by families. Who knows, right?

I also applied to a few internships in Washington, D.C. for next summer too. I still want to keep my options open, but I really hope that this all works out somehow. I know God is watching out for me and I’m excited to see where He takes me next summer. So, if you have a little extra room in your prayers tonight, just shoot one up to the big guy for me, please! For the first time in a really really long time, I can feel God working in my heart and giving me the direction that I’ve been asking for all this time. It’s between me and God now. Not me and my ex. Not me and my best friend. Not me and the bottom of a bottle. I just needed a little nudge in the right direction. ❤