So, it’s been a little over a week since I’ve updated this site and A LOT has happened. First off, school is now in full swing, and when I say full swing, I mean that I haven’t had a moment to slow down and just take time for myself. I go to class all morning, work all afternoon, gym, then homework. Wake up. Repeat. I don’t want it to sound like I’m complaining because I’m definitely not, I actually really really love my schedule. I keep myself busy so that I’m successful in my classes (which I’m really hoping for a 4.0 this semester) and it has really been helping me keep my mind of things, such as those people from my past. But that I’ll talk about in a bit. My classes are all going to be difficult, but I really enjoy them already. The material is so interesting, and since I’m in basically all major classes now, it’s stuff that I actually want to learn. And I have friends in every class that make everything a little more fun and enjoyable.
Okay, so I wrote about my anxieties and everything a few days ago. I’ve been really nervous to get back to school just in fear of having to see my ex and his girlfriend and his best friend and anything and everything that has to do with him. Well, guess what happened on the first day of class? I saw him. And her. (not together though, which I guess is a little better than the alternative). I’m not really sure what I was expecting out of it, but I got all shaky and nervous, but held up my head and kept moving along like nothing was bothering me and nothing bad happened. In fact, I’m pretty sure his girlfriend didn’t even recognize me since I dyed my hair (very, very dark brown) which was a little bonus. However, I found out later than he had seen me (and recognized me obviously) and now he’s second guessing everything with his girlfriend and he can’t stop thinking about me and he wants to know if I still hate him. I’m really not sure how to take the whole situation because I’ve worked so hard to get myself to this spot where I’m happy and at peace and successful in life. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not even a glimpse of a thought in my head of EVER getting back together with him, I would never put myself through that hell again. But it’s kind of a good feeling to know that he’s starting to feel some sort of regret. I really honestly thought that since the time that we broke up that he wasn’t sorry at all because he came out of the situation with a new girl and supposed “happiness” and I guess I didn’t. But, he never took time for himself to be single, never took a moment to figure out what he really wanted in life, he’s never acknowledged what is healthy for him and for her relationship-wise. Not to say that I’m a relationship expert, but I definitely have been taking A LOT of time to do those things. I’ve struggled for months to find myself again, and I’ve finally done it. I wake up every morning thankful for who I am and who God has made me. I’m really not sure that he can say that for himself. I think he is ashamed.
That’s one thing that I’ve noticed since I saw him again. He looks more and more like he’s let himself go. His body isn’t in as great of shape as it was before, he looks tired and restless, and honestly, he just looks ashamed. It’s still hard to wrestle with my thoughts of him. Now I think about what would happen if he did try to talk to me again. I have imaginery conversations in my head about what I would say and how I would say it. But I think if it ever really came down to it, I don’t think I could talk to him. Not now. Not ever.
So, I guess for a lack of better words, I’m so thankful. First and foremost to God. Just seeing my ex again has reminded me how God saved me from a terrible situation of unhappiness and sacrifice and a miserable life. He got me out of a situation that He knew I was better than. He truly saved me. Secondly, to my friends that have helped me through all this. For the first time in a really long time, I’m seeing things from the “other side” and just realizing how unbelievably happy I am now that I can see all the pain and hurt he put me through. I’m also very thankful to my family. If not for them, and their overwhelming support, I’d probably still be depressed or drinking myself into a hole somewhere. But here I am: happy, relieved, at peace, successful, and finally doing well for myself.
Part of me feels really bad for his girlfriend though. He’s already told her that he loves her, I know that for a fact. But if he’s having these thoughts about me, and second guessing things with her, I can only imagine the kind of hurt he’s going to put her through. I think if there’s any song to describe him right now, it’s “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri. They’re both going to get hurt. And even though I hold her partly responsible for a lot of the pain I’ve been going through, I don’t think she should have to get hurt by him too. It’s just not fair that he’s doing this to us. But, I think he does need to be single and figure himself out and get himself to a point where he can be happy alone, then share his life with someone else. But alas, it’s not my place to interfere. I can’t help her anymore than I can help him. Truth be told, I feel bad for them. They’re stuck in a bad situation that is only going to end in misery and suffering. I just wish I could warn her. But, if I hadn’t gone through this breakup how I did, I would never imagine myself as strong as I am now. Maybe that’s what she needs to go through to realize how to treat people. And he needs to stop breaking girl’s hearts. It’s an ugly habit, and it’s not getting him any closer to happiness.