If Only God Knew…

I was laying in bed last night struggling with my thoughts. It seemed to convict me that I thought obeying God is hard. Because, let’s be honest, it is. It’s the hardest thing to do. At least for me, it’s a daily struggle to remember to take up my cross and remember to follow God all day. If I speak out, I’ll get criticized by my friends. If I don’t speak out, I get drowned by guilt of having let God down. I always feel like whatever I do just isn’t enough. Not just for God. I mean for everyone. I can’t be enough. I obviously wasn’t for my ex. I’m not enough for my family, there’s so much more I could do. I’m not enough for my friends. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve given all that I can, and when I feel like I’m finally helping other people, or improving my own life, I get knocked down. If only God knew how freaking hard it is to follow him.

If God wanted us to follow him so earnestly, steadfastly, and purely, why are there so many obstacles between us and Him? It’s like I have to push through every day as a struggle just to maintain my sanity, and by the end of it, I realize that I wasn’t nearly “Christian” as I should have been. I mean, isn’t that what we’re called to be? First, we’re converted (or perhaps raised in a Christian church and with a Christian family). Anyway, there’s that moment where we first just “get it”. It all makes sense and we’re filled with this emotional and spiritual high that we think will never dissolve. I remember mine. I was at a church lockout in the fifth grade. For the first time, I really fully understood what Christianity meant. And for the first time, I felt like I really accepted Christ for myself. Not for my family. Not for my friends. Just for me. I became known as “that girl who wears the WWJD bracelet” and quickly became a social outcast.

Affected by the pressures of society, I sought out to fit it. I became friends with three girls in middle school and I thought I had found it all. Ultimately, these friendships tore me apart. There was no love or caring for each other. My faith had all but disappeared by that point. I went on church retreats, and was instantly re-energized what that same spiritual high, and thought I had it all figured out. I figured, God knows exactly what I’m going through, and if he really knew how I was feeling, He would know how much I missed Him and just expected Him to take over again. But it’s not that easy, is it? Just to say “Oh hey God, I’m in a rough spot, mind throwing me down some favor?” I was ignorant to the idea that God was waiting for to truly give myself to Him. Don’t worry, I still haven’t figured out how to do that.

I guess that where I’m finding myself today. Still struggling with the idea of understanding how God works. Can He really know everything? And if He truly does, which I believe He does, why isn’t He taking these pains and struggles away from me? I pray every day for God to take them away. He ultimately knows my heart, even better than I ever could. But it’s not like I’m holding onto this pain and heartbreak to keep it away from God. I think that I honestly want him to take it away from me. I pray every single day. Yet it’s still here. God, are you hearing me? What else is there for me to do? If You are made perfect in my weakness, am I to be eternally weak so that You are made eternally perfect?

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