Today was so hard. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much, now. It’s been almost eight months and I’m still heartbroken. I started buying stupid heartbreak songs again that I feel like I can connect to. It’s like we broke up yesterday. This constant sadness and worry that I’m going to see him on campus is starting to get really old. I just want it all to go away. Thankfully, I’m going out of town this weekend which will really help. Especially since the Broncos are playing the Packers this weekend (I’m from Denver, he’s from Green Bay) and it would just be too painful to even think about the game. It’s just now hitting that it’s over.
It’s really over.
He’s been dating his girlfriend for over six months now. He moved on. Why has that been so hard for me to grasp? I don’t want to be that crazy ex-girlfriend that can’t let go of her past. I’m not looking for anyone to date right now, and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I should be working harder on making myself available to date again. Or maybe I’m just not ready.
I still pray for those four things: strength, guidance, courage, and righteousness. But I have to admit, I rarely do it every day. I just don’t know if prayer is really enough. I don’t want to sound like a terrible Christian, but I just don’t know if my faith is really enough to help me get through this. I’m working on it, or at least trying to. A commenter suggested that I spend my day praising God for what he’s done in my life instead of constantly asking for those things. So, I’m going to try to start that. It’s like a complete 180 from what I’ve been doing but it takes time.
I’ve noticed that my commitment and priorities have changed a lot since school started back up. I rarely make time for me to just read the bible or my books that I got over summer. I try to read “My Utmost for His Highest” every night before I go to bed, but sometimes I’m just “too tired” or I’ll just plain forget, and I won’t go back and read it either. It’s like faith without faith, if that makes sense. It’s such a struggle. I know in the back of my head that God is really enough for me and that if I could just fully give him all my worries and struggles that he would be able to take them away from me. If i only I knew how to do that. I’ve gotten all the advice I can handle, but I haven’t been able to find the strength to fully utilize them. Honestly, I don’t have that faith. I know that I could pray for God to take them away, and he would…for a day. Then the next day, I’ll have the same struggles and I don’t think that he would really take them away from me for two days in a row. It’s selfish and stupid, but I want to believe that I should be able to do this all on my own, without anyone else’s help. I know I’m going to be okay. I’ve seen the “light at the end of the tunnel” before a couple months ago when I got to a really good spot over the summer. But, I wasn’t seeing him at all, I wasn’t thinking about him. Rarely was I contemplating the temptation of talking to him. It’s a new environment for me. I’m back on campus and every inch of it is crawling with a reminder of our past together.
I want something new. I want to be made new. And I want the faith to believe that that can really happen.