I just read a quote on twitter that read “When you forgive someone who has hurt you, you take away their power.” Now you already know how I feel about lyrics and quotes that have some symbolic meaning to me, they should have meaning to everyone else. But this one really hits me hard because of how my weekend went. I’m not sure what went wrong. I’m having anxiety about going to my cousin’s wedding in Louisiana next weekend, but I don’t think that’s why I’ve been sulking. I cried yesterday for what seemed to me as no apparent reason. I think my ex still has so much power over me. And I want him to lose that power. I want to let go but I just can’t seem to do it. I think that if I let go of him, then I’ll truly be completely and utterly alone. I know it sounds pathetic, because it is, but he’s really the only person I’ve known completely and I don’t have that anymore. I’m afraid of being alone, and being lonely. So I cried.
I want to forgive him. I thought I already had, but if I had then I guess I wouldn’t still let him have such a control on me. Maybe it’s because he was my first love. Maybe it’s because I’m still waiting for something from him, some sign of his regret and remorse, to help me move on. I read an article today about forgiveness and it said that the action of what he did will be in your life forever, but how you respond to it is what helps you heal and move on and find better things. I guess I thought that the more I dwelled on the action, then maybe it would just go away altogether? Like things would just go back to normal one day and everything would be perfect. But I don’t even know what normal is.
What’s worse is that I’ve realized that I don’t feel like I can ever fully trust anyone, which is a really miserable way to live. I want to do things completely on my own. I don’t trust people with my problems because word travels fast. I don’t want to talk about my ex with my closest friends with fear that they’ll tell his friends and he’ll find out and then have some ego boost that he’s doing so much better than me. But he’s got to already know that by now. I sulk too much. I just want to let go, move on, and find happiness again.
On another side note, I talked to my brother yesterday about how I’m struggling with my faith and belief in prayer. I feel like I pray for one thing that I need and God puts something even more difficult in front of me to face. For example, I pray for strength, and most days that I do, I see my ex. I pray for courage, and I’ll see his girlfriend and get shaky all over. I pray for righteousness, then I feel like God or someone somehow will make me feel lower than dirt and not worth time or attention. After discussing it with my brother, he said to just stay strong, keep praying. Maybe God’s trying to teach me something by putting those obstacles in your way. That maybe I’ll draw strength by learning to deal with seeing him everywhere. (He even made a joke that that’s why he’ll never pray for patience.. haha).
So, after a weekend of sulking and crying (and maybe a little sympathy shopping), I decided to be a little proactive. So, I deactivated my facebook account for a few days, just to get my mind of the ability to see him and her at the click of a button. Social networking makes it just a little too easy to keep those things around. So, I just deactivated it to help clear my mind (and hopefully start getting my homework done a little more efficiently). I’m going to continue to pray for those same 4 things, and however hard it is, I’m going to have faith that God hears me and is helping me and that ultimately He knows what’s going on and what’s best for me. I think I half expected to pray and God would just deliver, but now I’m thinking it’s more of a two-way street.
Finally, please say a prayer for me this week. It’s going to be a long week and I’m already have some worries about seeing some of the people that are going to be at my cousin’s wedding. It’s a complicated situation but I just need prayer for that and for anxiety. I have a lot of school work to catch up as well and a lot of other things going on. My mind is constantly flooded. Please pray for some kind of relief. And that I learn to forgive, and take away his power.