Well, today was like a slap in the face. I honestly apologize for talking about my ex so much on this page (yet again I guess I’m not forcing you to read it), but I seriously saw him EVERYWHERE today. Is it that hard to just go a different way if you know you’re gonna see me? No. I think that things would be SO much easier if I could just get him to go away…forever. It’s just so hard.
I also think that since I found out about him still having feelings for me, or whatever that was, that he was in some way going to reach out to me and try to figure things out, or break up with her, or something. I’m not really sure what I was thinking, but it wasn’t healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t want him back or really have any feelings for him, I just don’t think he should be dragging some other girl around that’s only going to get hurt too. Maybe that’s just the way I see it. I’m still way too invested in him and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to get “uninvested”. It seems to be so easy for him to move on and yet I feel like I’m stuck in the trenches.
I know I repeatedly talk about how I don’t want to date for a while and how I think boys are stupid, but honestly, I think if I had someone to replace the loneliness in my heart, it would help tremendously. I have all these “imaginary” conversations with him which are never going to come to be, yet I can’t seem to get those conversations to go away. It’s almost like it’s my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, and it’s driving me CRAZY. (re-reading this, I must sound like a real loon).
I pray everyday for guidance, strength, courage, and righteousness. Whenever I find myself having a “weak moment”, I try my best to remember to pray. Yes, he looks terrible. No, I’m not attracted to him. No, I don’t want him back. No, I don’t have feelings for him. Then, why can’t I seem to get him out of my head? Is it really that hard to just think about something else? I feel like the more I pray, and the more I try to depend on God, the less that it actually helps. I hope that doesn’t sound completely terrible and sacrilegious but it’s like it’s going through all of this is taking away from my faith somehow.
I guess I pray expecting results. Is that wrong? I thought I was taught to pray and know that God hears me. It’s not like I’m not used to God saying “no” to me when ask for a good grade on a test that I didn’t study for, or to find an extra $50 somewhere when I know I’m going to be short on rent. Would God really turn down someone who is asking for strength and guidance… and RIGHTEOUSNESS? I just don’t get why this hasn’t gone away yet. It’s now been almost 8 months. I pray every day. every day. every day. every day.
The thing is, I know that I’m happier now. I know that I’m doing better for myself. I know I made the right decision eight months ago. Sure, my heart is still broken, and I think that will go away with more time. Yes I still hurt. But shouldn’t all these thoughts have dissipated by now? Literally, I’ll be in the shower talking to myself saying “you know you hurt me. I wish you would have apologized to me months ago. I wish you could understand what you’re doing is wrong. I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re a good person. If you still have feelings for me, then you need to start doing what is right, and break up with her.” It’s like my brain thinks that he’s standing right there talking to me. Except I do this every day. Every day there is a new conversation: “do you even know where the gym is? Have you gotten a haircut recently? Really, you’ve let yourself go.” But the thing is, he’s not right there. I’m not talking to him, and I don’t think I ever will be again.
I thought the most powerful and effective thing I could do is pray, but is that really enough?