So, as you’ve probably been reading, I feel like I’m doing really well lately. I still have a problem controlling my thoughts about my ex, but those are starting to go away. Besides the first few days of school, I haven’t seen him around. I seem to run into him when I least expect it, but if I expect it, then he’s not there. So for some reason, I always seem a little bit on my guard.
I did, however, run into his little brother today at the fitness center. I always liked his little brother and he seemed cool. He’s a freshman now and we stopped and talked for about twenty minutes then went our separate ways. Of course, my ex came up in conversation but I tried to play it off as best that I could. It’s just so hard some days. Sometimes, I’ll wake up and it’ll feel like a fresh wound that just happened yesterday and my heart is still torn apart. Other days, it’ll seem like it happened years ago and I’m not sure why it ever took me this long to get over it. Really, it’s very back and forth with me. But I’m trying to give God control. And that is so difficult.
I’m starting a new thing where I pray every day before I get out of my car at school. Usually, I’ll pray for some kind of courage and guidance to get me through the day. I pray for sanity (yeah it sounds stupid) and the knowledge to control my thoughts. And usually, I’ll pray that if the time were to come that I would have to see my ex, that God would *remind* me to pray through the situation and continually seek him during the whole confrontation. But today, I did something a little different. I prayed for righteousness. I know that sounds a little weird too, but I just asked God to give me the discernment in my actions and decisions to portray a sense of righteousness and obedience to God. I tried really hard to maintain it, but I know I failed several times throughout the day. But it’s a learning process. I just need to “take every thought captive” and it’ll get me through the day, but some times I get so caught up in these imaginary scenarios which are probably never ever ever ever going to happen, that I forget what I’m praying for in the first place.
Often, I get so caught up in my work and homework and school and life and everything that I forget what I’ve been working for all summer. I’m here, right now, for a purpose. I waste so much time worrying about things that are never going to happen that I don’t have enough time to keep God in my life. So I’m going to try to get back on top of things again before school gets too out of hand. I ran into this quote the other day from a friend’s facebook and it particularly stuck with me, “Demonstrate your trust in me by sitting quietly in My Presence. Put aside all that is waiting to be done, and refuse to worry about anything. … When you spend time with Me, I restore your sense of direction. As you look to Me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomplish more.” ~Jesus Calling. Sometimes, when you’re least expecting it, God shows you exactly what you need. And today, I really needed this.