It’s been a few days since I last wrote, but a lot has happened. I’ve continued my streak of not going out this weekend. Friday night I hung out with my three best guy friends at their apartment, then watched reruns on TV until like one in the morning (which is weird because I’m usually in bed by at least ten these days). Then Saturday, I woke up around 8 and watched some more reruns until 11.
At that point, I was lying on my couch thinking about a sermon I heard a few months ago about taking a break. He basically talked about, as humans, we tend to over think, over plan, and over work. The basic spin on the sermon is that we should work hard in the lord and rest well. The “resting well” part was what he spent the most time on. We are so consumed in technology and communication and people that we rarely take time just to ourselves to pray, read the bible, and spend actual real time with God. So, he challenged the congregation to take one day, just one, and turn off your computer and phone and TV and just take a day of solitude. So, I decided to try it.
Recently, I’ve had all kinds of anxiety swarming me. I try so hard to push all the thoughts out of my head about my ex-boyfriend and my drinking habits and school and work and paying bills and everything else that just keeps adding up. I wrestle with my thoughts and anxiety constantly. I find myself so caught up in replaying memories and I tend to create alternate endings to the same stories. I know it’s all to no avail. It’s not going to get me anywhere. If only I would have done this, if only I would have said that… but it’s all over now. I did everything I did. I said everything I said. I do regret a lot of things that I did and said. So, for one day, I tried to give myself a break from it all. I turned off my phone and closed my computer. I spent the day yesterday blaring music from my iHome and cleaning my apartment. Then, I took a nap in complete silence and solitude. When I woke up, I actually felt completely rested and rejuvenated. I laid in bed for awhile and read one of my books. I turned the music on again and danced around my apartment completely alone. I tried to skip the songs that reminded me of him, and passed up all the “power hour” songs. I listened to some country, some rap, some worship. I was completely…happy.
Around six o’clock or so, I decided to turn my phone back on and catch up on the days news (yes, I realized I only lasted about 8 hours). My friend had texted me about going out last night, so we made plans to go to dinner then come to my place and watch a movie. I spent another hour just listening to music and enjoying my solitude until he finally got to my apartment around 830. Since I live downtown, I met him in the lobby of my apartment and we walked to the restaurant. We talked about everything: our basketball seasons in high school, our families, our worst injuries. Conversation came so easily and fun. There wasn’t a single moment of awkwardness. After dinner, we walked around downtown for nearly 3 hours just talking. Went down to ConAgra park where there is a beautiful fountain and trail to walk around the water to the riverfront. We got to talking about forgiveness, which I thought was interesting subject in light of everything that I’ve been going through. I asked him if he thought that I could be truly forgiven for the things I’ve done that have disgraced God. Basically, he told me that if God didn’t want to forgive us, there’s no way he would’ve sent his son. He gave me all other kinds of insight about Christianity and faith and religion in general. We walked back to my apartment and he left.
I was filled with an overwhelming sense of God’s forgiveness and wanting to share that forgiveness with others. I realized that before I could forgive him, I have to forgive myself. So, I spent about thirty minutes in prayer asking God to help me forgive myself and finally, to forgive my ex. It’s a work in progress. I can’t say that I’ve totally and completely forgiven him, but ever since last night, I know I’m ready to see him again, no matter what circumstances. And in that moment, I’m going to realize the sacrifices in which God gave for me. I don’t want to live my life went pent up anger and hatred for something that happened months ago. It’s a new school year which means new friends, new relationships, new experiences, and new personal growth. I plan to focus on my schoolwork above all else, get involved in campus ministries and bible studies, and make a promise to myself to go to church every Sunday. I’m challenging myself to be happy again, to forgive, and to finally let go and move on.