I love you.

After me and my ex broke up, I blocked him on facebook for awhile. Like two weeks later, he had already put up new pictures with the girl he cheated on me with. A month later, they were facebook official. So, after all the torture and agony and pain and heartbreak, I decided to just give myself a break. I blocked both of them, as well as girl #1, and the girl that he had to a new friendship with (I think I referenced her as Sarah). That did the trick for about a day. But I just couldn’t stomach it, so I deleted my entire account and stayed away for about a month. It was freeing, it was liberating, and I felt like I was going to be a lot better off. But, eventually, it got the better of me and I reactivated my account. They were still deleted. But the beauty of having 3 roommates in one room is that they were all still friends with him, so I could see his page, he just couldn’t see mine. I obsessed over seeing every new post, every new picture. I followed both of them almost religiously. I just wanted some sign that he wasn’t happy with her and that he truly realized that he messed and would come after me in some way. But he didn’t. They’re still dating. And they seem very happy. I still just want an apology.

Anyways, I unblocked him about a month ago from my account. I already could see his account through my friends, but in the back of my head I wanted for him to want to look at my profile and read all my posts. For whatever reason, I thought he would. So, I started posting statuses again of lyrics of break up songs, and cheating, and how I’m the bigger person. Well folks, we broke up 6 months ago, and I’m pretty sure all my friends have gotten the idea by now. For me, it was like I had one audience: him. It started to poison my soul and my spirit. After a few months of not having him control my every thought, there he was again. Everywhere. After a long philosophical and somewhat theological conversation with my step-mom about the subject, we both decided that I would be better off if I blocked his page again, and hers. But this time, I had to make a promise to myself to not use other means (such as my friends) in order to look at it. I couldn’t see him, and he couldn’t see me. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Every time I got the slightest temptation to unblock him and check his page, I’d just pray and ask God to take that away and then ask myself, “Will looking at his page make you happy…in this moment, or hour, or day, or week.” The answer is always no.

Well, I’d been doing great for the last three weeks…until tonight. It’d been so long since I looked at his page and I just figured that I owed it to myself to look. I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with the result, I even kind of looked up to my ceiling and had a pre-meditated apology to God for looking. But I did it. And well, they wrote to each other and it said “I love you.”

I love you.

I guess I thought love meant more than that. When he said that to me, I felt so honored. Like of all the girls in the world that he could love, he chose me. In case you don’t know…there’s more to the story. He had a girlfriend of over 2 years when he started college. We met the first day on campus and immediately had a connection. They broke up a few weeks into the semester because “things weren’t working out”, and we started dating in mid-November. It’s almost a carbon copy of what happened to me in January with girl #2. He came home with me for fall recess in late October – three or so weeks before we started “officially” dating. It was that week that he told me that he loved me for the first time. Now, no one had ever told me that before and I was blown away and caught up in the moment, so I said it back. It became a regular thing, like how married couples say it before the hang up the phone on the way home from the grocery store. In late December, we were long distance for the holidays, and he took it back. He took it back. He want on a long rant about how he never gave himself time to get over his ex before we started dating and maybe he said it too soon. He said that we should keep dating but until he figures things out, we shouldn’t say it anymore.

I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t get how you love someone so much, then take it back, then say it again, then hurt them this much, and then just move on and love someone else. I must have a very skewed sense of love. That’s also why it’s so hard for to ever think about dating a guy again. I don’t think that a guy could ever really love me or if they did, they’d just take it back.

So first the first time in the history of this blog, I am whole heartedly asking for prayer. Please pray for my heart to heal. Pray that I learn to trust in God to guide my steps and to take care of my future. It’s time for bigger and better things.

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2 comments on “I love you.

  1. Kris says:

    I am praying for you right now. You’re right – it’s time for bigger and better things. And they will come your way. Bigger and better things will find you.

    Your questions about “I love you” – well, sometimes there aren’t simple answers. But sometimes there are. Telling your girlfriend that you want to “take back” saying you love her is just the height of stupidity and immaturity. Your ex was being stupid and immature. Stupid because any dummy knows you can’t “take back” words that are already out there. It’s like trying to put hairspray back in the can or something. And immature because…well…it’s simply immature to be that stupid.

    I know you’ll probably find this difficult to believe now, but there will come a day when you will be in a relationship with someone who actually does love you in a true and lasting way. This guy is already out there, breathing and living his life, probably getting ready to start a new semester at school, going to work, washing his car, goofing off with his friends. He’s out there.

    And I know this is a cheesy cliché (but of course, I deal in cheesy clichés, as we both know!), but when this true and lasting love finds you, you’ll know it.

    You know how you’ll know it?

    You simply won’t have to think about it. You won’t be wondering. You won’t be worried or doubting. You won’t have these nagging feelings in the back of your mind that you have to try a little harder or be a little better or change certain things about yourself in order to “win him more.” You’ll just know.

    And the good news is, he’s out there right now, somewhere.

    Your job at the moment is to keep your focus on all the things that matter, the things that you can control. Continue to make the choices that will lead you to be the best person you can be, and relax a little as life unfolds around you. Do everything you can to put your ex out of your mind, because it’s so clear to me that thinking about him is just a big black hole for your joy and self-confidence. Another cliché – he’s not worth it. He was obviously not the true love of your life, so don’t waste any additional energy on him. It was fun while it lasted. But there truly are better things in your future.

    I know it. I’m convinced of it.

    I realize my own personal life experiences don’t necessarily guarantee that you will go through the same things, but I’ve known enough people over the years who have shared my same path that I feel fairly confident in saying that someday, you will look back on this time and marvel that you let someone make you so unhappy…especially when someone else so great was waiting down the road. When real and lasting love comes your way, this stupid and immature boy will be a faint (and – dare I say it? – even fond) memory.

    Trust me. This is true.

  2. Meghan says:

    My dearest Kayla,
    I am praying for you and will continue to do so. I want to share with you what I read this morning in my Bible study book. It’s called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.
    I didn’t feel like I learned too much from it until I read your blog post and I knew why God had me read that this morning. So I could share it with you…

    “I Am a God Who Heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, BROKEN HEARTS, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You recelve the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more- much more- available to those who ask.
    The first step in receivng healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numrous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. Whe the time is right, I promt you to ak for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restortion that has begun.

    I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person’s llife. Even my servant paul was told, “My grace is sufficient for you,” when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask and you will receive.” Also check out these verses if ya get a chance…

    Psalm 103:3, James 4:2, 2 Cor. 12:7-9 and matthew 7:7.

    -megs

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