After me and my ex broke up, I blocked him on facebook for awhile. Like two weeks later, he had already put up new pictures with the girl he cheated on me with. A month later, they were facebook official. So, after all the torture and agony and pain and heartbreak, I decided to just give myself a break. I blocked both of them, as well as girl #1, and the girl that he had to a new friendship with (I think I referenced her as Sarah). That did the trick for about a day. But I just couldn’t stomach it, so I deleted my entire account and stayed away for about a month. It was freeing, it was liberating, and I felt like I was going to be a lot better off. But, eventually, it got the better of me and I reactivated my account. They were still deleted. But the beauty of having 3 roommates in one room is that they were all still friends with him, so I could see his page, he just couldn’t see mine. I obsessed over seeing every new post, every new picture. I followed both of them almost religiously. I just wanted some sign that he wasn’t happy with her and that he truly realized that he messed and would come after me in some way. But he didn’t. They’re still dating. And they seem very happy. I still just want an apology.
Anyways, I unblocked him about a month ago from my account. I already could see his account through my friends, but in the back of my head I wanted for him to want to look at my profile and read all my posts. For whatever reason, I thought he would. So, I started posting statuses again of lyrics of break up songs, and cheating, and how I’m the bigger person. Well folks, we broke up 6 months ago, and I’m pretty sure all my friends have gotten the idea by now. For me, it was like I had one audience: him. It started to poison my soul and my spirit. After a few months of not having him control my every thought, there he was again. Everywhere. After a long philosophical and somewhat theological conversation with my step-mom about the subject, we both decided that I would be better off if I blocked his page again, and hers. But this time, I had to make a promise to myself to not use other means (such as my friends) in order to look at it. I couldn’t see him, and he couldn’t see me. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Every time I got the slightest temptation to unblock him and check his page, I’d just pray and ask God to take that away and then ask myself, “Will looking at his page make you happy…in this moment, or hour, or day, or week.” The answer is always no.
Well, I’d been doing great for the last three weeks…until tonight. It’d been so long since I looked at his page and I just figured that I owed it to myself to look. I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with the result, I even kind of looked up to my ceiling and had a pre-meditated apology to God for looking. But I did it. And well, they wrote to each other and it said “I love you.”
I love you.
I guess I thought love meant more than that. When he said that to me, I felt so honored. Like of all the girls in the world that he could love, he chose me. In case you don’t know…there’s more to the story. He had a girlfriend of over 2 years when he started college. We met the first day on campus and immediately had a connection. They broke up a few weeks into the semester because “things weren’t working out”, and we started dating in mid-November. It’s almost a carbon copy of what happened to me in January with girl #2. He came home with me for fall recess in late October – three or so weeks before we started “officially” dating. It was that week that he told me that he loved me for the first time. Now, no one had ever told me that before and I was blown away and caught up in the moment, so I said it back. It became a regular thing, like how married couples say it before the hang up the phone on the way home from the grocery store. In late December, we were long distance for the holidays, and he took it back. He took it back. He want on a long rant about how he never gave himself time to get over his ex before we started dating and maybe he said it too soon. He said that we should keep dating but until he figures things out, we shouldn’t say it anymore.
I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t get how you love someone so much, then take it back, then say it again, then hurt them this much, and then just move on and love someone else. I must have a very skewed sense of love. That’s also why it’s so hard for to ever think about dating a guy again. I don’t think that a guy could ever really love me or if they did, they’d just take it back.
So first the first time in the history of this blog, I am whole heartedly asking for prayer. Please pray for my heart to heal. Pray that I learn to trust in God to guide my steps and to take care of my future. It’s time for bigger and better things.