Side note: in case you didn’t notice, I went back and updated my last post, so go check that before you start on this one.
Anywho, church today was amazing…and convicting as usual. I’m starting to get used to the conviction though because it’s moving me to do something instead of just sit here and “feel convicted”. For instance, I felt convicted by my partying habit, so I stopped. I felt convicted about my guilt, so I prayed about it and it’s starting to fade more and more. I started this blog out of a moment of conviction and it’s been helping to keep me accountable to my new resolves. Honestly, if not for this blog, I would have stopped doing my daily devotions a few days ago, stopped listening to new Christian music to find that perfect song to talk about in my blog, or even stopped going to church regularly. I also want to say that today, for the first time ever I went to church all by myself. Now, I’m a social person and I love to be around people. I even told my pastor in our meeting that I would never go to church alone. I’m not sure if he picked up on the fact that I did go alone because I didn’t talk to him today or really see him, but I’m sure he would have been proud.
Church today was about responsibility vs. passivity. It hit a nerve with me because I’m trying to not be passive in my faith, but in reading over my last few posts, I noticed I was throwing myself a bit of a pity party. Okay, I’m losing friends. Well, I was told that that was going to happen. Surprised? Not really. Yes, I’m in a bit of a spiritual lull because I don’t have this overwhelming passion to read my bible and pray constantly. Disappointed? Sure. But honestly, I think I’ve been waiting for God to do something for me. But hasn’t he already done enough? Absolutely. I’m passive in my faith because I choose to be.
My pastor pointed out two different reasons for passivity today, both of which were like a shot in the heart to me. The first was love of comfort. Cha-ching. If you read my “This Time It’s Personal” post, you know how much I love comfort. I like to be in my comfort zone. And for the first time in months, I’m not in my comfort zone. It’s not comfortable to me to say no to friends who want to party, because I still want to. But, it’s also not comfortable for me to go to parties because I know the regret I’ll feel and ultimately the completely loss of an evening where I could have been doing something productive with my life.
The second was fear of failure. Definitely sounds like me. But then he pointed out that if we look at all the things we’re failing at right now, it makes the fear of future failure much more minute. I could write a whole list of things I’m failing at right now: not as supportive as I should be, terrible with finances, not a good daughter, friend, loved one, anxiety attacks. I could throw myself into a whole other pity party just telling you what I’m failing at right now. But when I look to my future, I’m not failing at that. When I think about my future, I see myself happy with the love of Christ. Now I know that I already have the love of Christ, that never went anywhere, but I was so afraid to embrace it that I eventually just lost the hope that it was even there. By the end of the service I was sorting of thinking to myself: “good job Kayla, you’ve done all these things already and you’re not passive in your faith.” Then I caught myself. I don’t go to small groups. I don’t volunteer to the poor. I don’t minister to my friends. Because I’m scared and I’m too comfortable being out of those situations.
So after church, everyone got up to talk to their friends or family, or made their way to the foyer to discuss lunch plans, I sat quietly and alone in the same seat that I had occupied all service. People all around me were talking and there was music in the background. But in that instance, I bowed my head and started to pray. I asked God to humble me and to humble my heart. I must’ve prayed for about 15 minutes because by the time I looked up again there were very few people left in the auditorium. I continued to ask God to quiet my heart too and, as I have been this whole time, I asked for him to change me. There’s a lot of new ministries starting up this fall when school commences. I’m going to give myself the last few weeks of summer to relax and recharge. But when school starts, I plan to join a small group through my church. I want to continue going to bible study through campus ministry. I am making a promise to myself to go to church every Sunday. And finally, I am done with throwing myself a huge pity party. Everyone gets their heart broken, everyone has struggles, and everyone deserves second chances. God definitely gave me one.