In case I haven’t made it clear by now, I’m a music fanatic. I usually listen to songs trying to find their deeper meaning and most times I’ll show them to a friend, and get frustrated when they don’t pay attention to the lyrics – especially when lyrics mean something to me. Anyways, I was driving home from work today in the middle of anxiety attack (that’s a whole different story). I wasn’t really feeling the whole Christian music thing tonight so I decided to flip back and forth between my other 5 pre-programmed radio stations and literally, they were ALL on commercials besides 88.1, which is K-love. So, since I hate commercials more than just about anything else I left it on K-love and this song came on:
Before you go any further, just watch the whole thing. Now, if I could pick any song that I needed to hear just then or that describes my life any more accurately, it would be this one. Like I said before, I don’t believe in destiny or fate, but that’s definitely God trying to tell me something.
There’s also the fact that I feel like I’m drifting away from God again. Not in the “going out partying all night” kind of way (by the way, it’s a Friday night and I’m staying in and blogging – please be proud), but in the “I’m not really sure if he really wants me back” kind of way. Now, I know that sounds stupid because I feel stupid saying it. I guess I thought by now that I’d have the uncontrollable passion and desire to study the Word and pray and be Christlike and just be all-out for Him, but I’m just not yet. And it concerns me. I went to a church event last night and I just felt out of place, like everyone there are real Christians, and I’m still trying to figure everything out so I really don’t belong. But I also had a really bad day yesterday (hence the anxiety attack) so that could be a part of it I reckon. I just feel like I’m in some kind of funk right now. Maybe it’s just all this transitions happening so fast that I’m not really sure how to adjust to it, or how to think, or how to act, etc. Like I said before, it’s just tough. But then that song came on the radio and it was like He was talking straight to me.
I was talking to a friend about all this a few days ago. We went out to lunch and I tried to explain to him how I was trying to change things and set things right again and also how I’m working on my faith. He gave me props for making this personal decision and then affirmed that it would be impossible for me to do. First of all, I’m sure I’ve made this declaration to him before (post break-up I went through a very Jesus-y stage – before the drinking kicked in high gear). So, he knows that I can be a bit flaky when it comes to this subject anyways. Also, he said that I promised to get drunk with him on his 21st birthday (which is in September) and that if I was serious about this then I would no longer be able to keep that promise. So, I was offended that he would think these things and thought about how selfish it was that he would rather me get drunk with him then try to live a Godly life. So, I’m still in that lull. The “if God really wanted me back he wouldn’t be asking my friends to do this to me” lull. I’m not blaming God necessarily. I’m pretty confident that he would rather me live a Christian life than a life of sin, but I’m still figuring out how to go about doing it.
I’ve already started losing friends and it’s not easy. Just last night a friend asked me to go a double kegger with her. When I let her know that I had already made plans to hang out with a friend out in West Omaha she got mad at me and told me in a text: “Never speak to me again.” Now, because it was in a text I’m not sure whether she was being 100% serious or not, but she doesn’t really seem like the kind of person to joke about that sort of thing. Honestly, my feelings are hurt. Whether she’s joking or not, that’s pretty low. I’m not apologizing for trying to be a better person. I’m not sorry that I didn’t go to that kegger. I’m just sorry that I built friendships on such feeble, low, and selfish terms that they can be quickly determined over by one decision to not party. It’s my fault that I chose these friends, but I’m not sorry that these friendships are fading.