Here I sit, feeling like I’m two weeks sober from my ex. Sounds weird putting it that way. But in all reality, I’ve just lost the desire to know what he’s doing, where he’ll be, what he’s up to. It’s gone. I just don’t care. In that though, I think that I’ve lost a lot of my dependence on God. I’ve been to several church services where the pastor will discuss how often times we tend to worship God when we need him, but then when we get back on our feet, presumably after A LOT of help from Him, we tend to revert back to “not needing” Him and thus pushing Him aside.
I feel like a terrible person saying it, but that’s where I’m at. I’ve taken on such a “I don’t care” mentality with so many things lately that I found myself laying in bed last night about to read my devotional and have quiet time, when I just said to myself that I could push it off until tomorrow. After all, I had a great day with low emotional turmoil and didn’t really feel that I needed to have quiet time. I woke up this morning with so much guilt, like I had let God down…which I had. Needless to say, I wrestled with a lot of my old thoughts today.
My faith is so up and down that it’s hard to know where I really stand. Some days I feel like I can feel God walking with me in every single step that I take, that He’s constantly there to guide me and to help me and to help me move forward successfully. Other days, I feel like I’m completely on my own. I doubt God. There was a point today where I almost convinced myself that God couldn’t possibly completely forgive me and fully love me because of all the stupid things that I’ve done and said, and how many times that I’ve completely betrayed Him. Funny thing about God that I’ve learned is, though, that whenever I tend to have these doubts, I’ll run into someone who i just *needed* to see in that moment.
For one, I almost always run into my bible study leader when I’m in a weak moment. She’s probably so sick of hearing about all my crap, but honestly I think she saved my life. She’s hands down the best person that I know. I draw so much strength from her, it’s ridiculous. Just seeing her reminds me of how awesome God’s love is and how far He has gotten and how He’s put so many awesome people in my life that have gotten me so far.
But sometimes, I’ll see someone who I would particularly not like to see. I dated this guy for a few weeks after my ex, and I’ll see him every now and then. I’m appreciative of him because he helped me realize that I’m not ready to jump into a relationship. Truthfully, I wanted to just start dating someone right away like my ex did. I wanted to “get back at him”. I definitely had a lot of fun with this guy, but it just wasn’t right and I knew it. It makes me so thankful. Although I haven’t made entirely good decisions since then, I’m learning to not have regrets, because things are finally turning out right. And I whole heartedly believe that I would not be where I am if not for the mistakes I made, the stupid things I’ve said, making an ass out of myself in front of my ex, etc etc.
It’s still a learning process. I want to find God in everything I do. It’s hard because I feel like I need a personality change. Had you known me a year ago, I was much more optimistic, looking for the best in people, never worried about being deceived or losing trust. Now, I find myself on edge with almost everyone. I don’t feel like I can fully trust anyone. One of my professors (who I also had last semester) told me in her office that I have a “sad” look about me and should could never figure out why. These are the things that I’m hoping to change. But first it’s got to be an internal change. I realize that I still need God, even when times are good. It’s just a much different transition from constantly asking for help to constantly praising Him for how much He’s done for me. I’m going to keep chasing, and hopefully I can get things turned around.